Patriarchy is the problem. Mainstream masculine norms that come from that are at fault. Pretending that isn't the case so it doesn't feel so confronting to men is not my problem. Men need to go take this shit on - for themselves and for everyone else. Women can't do it for you. It's your work, and blaming women for not being more conciliatory in the face of ongoing horrendous levels of discrimination and abuse is out of line. If some people's attitudes have become more egalitarian, it's due entirely to the relentless demand for that brought by feminism. But there's still plenty of resistance to that. You may have heard of an entire segment of the internet devoted completely and entirely to resistance and backlash - it's called the Manosphere.

My friend recently received a cash settlement for all the years that she was not paid the same as her male colleagues doing the exact same work. It's illegal to pay women less, but it still happens ALL of the TIME!

We do not need to be nicer to you - you need to be nicer to us and to yourselves. Nearly all violence in this country (against everyone) comes from men acting out mainstream masculine norms. The polarization only exists when men shirk their responsibility to address this stuff, to improve the culture, and to stand up for what's right. If you aren't actively involved in that, you ARE a part of the problem.