The Friendly Introvert
When You Love People But Need A Lot of Alone Time
Yesterday I set up my meditation app to play sounds of rushing water for 15 minutes and then I closed my eyes to retreat into some blissful solitude. When the gong came at the end, I opened up my eyes to see that I had “friend requests” from 2 other people. “Thanks for meditating with me,” they began. My knee jerk response (which I fortunately just said in my head and not to them) was, “Leave me the fuck alone. I want to meditate in peace.” So much for my Zen self!
First off, I can’t imagine what basis I have (other than that we both meditate) for said friendships, but more importantly, I use that app to facilitate me spending quiet time alone by myself and I have no interested in changing that. The classic diagnostic for whether you are an introvert or an extrovert is where you recharge your batteries. Introverts like me need alone time in order to be able to function well and to fully enjoy our time with the rest of the world. I recently went on planning retreat for a volunteer organization that I’m involved with. I adore the other people who attended and this is our one chance a year to be together in person, but it took me a full week to recover from the 4 days with no personal space other than in bed asleep.
If you didn’t already know that I was an introvert, you might not guess that about me. I am not shy or retiring and I really enjoy being with people. I was thrilled that the new neighborhood we moved into has all kinds of opportunities to do things with our neighbors and I attend many of them. But still, a long holiday weekend with all the family at home typically culminates with me thinking, “You people need to get out of my house and give me some space.” I work from home and work primarily by phone, so the instances of people intruding on my “space” during the week tends to be small.
I’ve done better over the past several years in creating opportunities to have the alone time that I need. When we lived in North Carolina, I used to go walking in a friend’s woods and I also had a little structure built on the outside corner of our home where I could go for peace and quiet. I called it “the small house,” and it was a great place to go and meditate or just look at the sky. Being outdoors is one of the things that is helpful, although I’m not really an “outdoorsy” person. I am, however, a person who loves the natural world and it never fails to give me back to myself. We have a great porch where we live now, and even if there are not woods to walk in, most days I can sit out on the back porch, even if it means I need a blanket or a fan to do so.
I’m going to venture that most, if not all, introverts are also HSPs (highly sensitive people) although apparently some 30% of HSPs are thought to be extroverts. Here are some traits that HSPs tend to exhibit:
- has a rich and complex inner life
- is deeply moved by the arts and music
- gets easily overwhelmed
- has difficulty performing a task when being observed
- easily startles
- is sensitive to pain, caffeine, and hunger
- is attuned to inner bodily sensations
- readily notices sensory changes
“As a highly sensitive person who needs to minimize auditory stimuli, I don’t do well when another person likes having TV or loud music on all the time as background noise. I’m extremely sensitive to other people’s moods; when someone is angry, judgmental or irritated, those emotions make me even more uncomfortable. If I don’t have my own space to retreat to and recharge, I’ll eventually have a meltdown.
As an introvert, being around other people drains me (as opposed to extroverts, who gain energy being around other people). That doesn’t mean I don’t like being with others, in fact I love it — but I can only do it for so long before I have to go into my cave and refuel.” — Psychology Today
My husband can go 6 or 8 hours at a time without eating but I’m like Snoopy — when my stomach says it’s supper time, I really need to eat. It was a huge relief to see that this is a common HSP trait and not just me being somehow high maintenance. At this point in my life, I’ve come to understand that I need what I need and it’s pointless to assign value judgements to it. A few weeks back we went to a large concert and I did fine during the show. After it was over, we were waiting for our friends who had different seats and the crowds were just streaming past me. I got really claustrophobic and had to turn around so as not to feel so fully all those people and their jacked up concert energy coming right towards me. Being that sensitive is both a blessing and a curse. I use it in my work to really tune into people deeply, but it also means that I can get easily overwhelmed.
Although communication through writing has it’s downsides, it is something that has been helpful to me. Social media, where I can interface with other people on my own terms, as I wish, tends to work pretty well for me. It’s not perfect — misunderstandings can arise when you don’t hear someone’s voice inflection or get to read their body language, but it also offers connection that isn’t quite as overhwelming as in-person relationships can sometimes be. And I still really love my “work from homers lunch group” and my neighborhood lady’s night. It’s great to get to be in those social settings and then to go home once again to my sanctum and have my peace and quiet.
Are you an HSP or a friendly introvert? If so, tell me about it.
